You Must Be Able to Say “No”

Posted by Tisha Tolar on May 8, 2009

Wow! The May Mom Giveaway has really been taking off! If you haven’t turned in your name yet – get to it. Of course we are all busy. Some of us more busy due to our own lack of abilities to say no. (But still – none of that is an acceptable reason to not register for the mom giveaway!!!)

As a business owner and work-at-home mom, most people I know are aware that I work at home – however, somewhere along the lines of communication, people miss that one word – WORK. Believe it or not, I usually work between 60-70 hours a week. Granted it isn’t a typical 9-5 work day. I usually start at 7:30am, work straight through until the bus arrives to drop off the kid, and then sign on to the computer off and on throughout the rest of the eventing. There are a lot of depends in my life (no, not the diaper type). It usually depends on what the family is doing, if I have a meeting in the evening, if I can make it to yoga. Will I be working tonight? Well, it depends….

But as I said, many people miss the word WORK in the phrase work-at-home. They assume because I have a business I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Well, sure I can – if I don’t want to get paid, if I want to lose all my clients, if I want to spend the following week busting my butt to get on top of things again. But others don’t see it that way. The connection isn’t being made so not much stops them from asking me to volunteer for this, start planning that, join this group…etc. It can be overwhelming to say the least. I hear a lot of “oh, well you’re home…”

I should mention that as of now I am already a VP of a local recreation board, a Girl Scout assistant leader, and a few days shy of a nomination as Secretary of the local soccer association. I do these things because I believe in their cause, I enjoy volunteer work, and because of my kid’s association with some of these groups. I also want to teach the kid to volunteer. This is not a problem. The problem lies in the fact that I have a problem. I have a hard time saying no.

The point of this post is not to lament my busy schedule or that people assume my work at home status involves little work – it is to advise others who don’t like to say no – well, you’re going to have to learn. This is all part of the discipline I’ve talked about in the past. Nearly three years into it, I still have trouble saying no but I have also really become much clearer on my priorities and what they should be each day. I don’t like saying no but I am getting better at it – especially when people take for granted that I can be more flexible than most. It is surprising to see some reactions I get, sometimes even from my family, when I say “sorry, hafta work” but it’s really come down to the fact, I can’t do it all. I’ve got a business to maintain and grow – I must say no. Wow – what a mantra!

There is nothing wrong with saying no. Go into an independent business knowing you are going to have to say no and practice it often. There is only so much you can do in a day so don’t stretch yourself too thin. Consider where your priorities need to be and work to keep them in perspective. You’ll have to pick and choose who and when you can help. For instance, I make my kid’s activities a priority and let nothing (not even work) stop me from those events, such as field trips or class events. I make sure I work twice as hard the day before any event so I don’t fall behind. I have committed to making a schedule and sticking with it. If someone asks me to do something and my schedule is already full, I say no.

I have to admit, it is getting easier to do that each time. I don’t even let it bother me that people get pissed off. I know where I need to be now and what I need to be doing. This is something I had to learn on my own – sort of like a person in trouble having to hit rock bottom before they can get straightened out. I had to get totally overwhelmed on several occassions in order to learn a lesson. If I can help you learn that lesson, or at least consider the possibilities before you have to go through it – I’ll be thrilled.

Working for yourself puts a lot of weight on your shoulders every day. This is in addition to the fact that you are a mother and a wife. It is up to you to make sure that weight does not become a burden. You don’t want to fail at your new endeavor simply because you failed to prioritize. You know your limits so now you have to let other people know those limits. Learn now to say no. Be polite about it but be committed to it. There may be even work-related times where you have to say no to clients or turn down work because you simply have too much going on. If you find that you are turning down too much work, it may be time to start looking for help or outsourcing some projects. You’ve got to find a healthy mix of saying yes and no in both life and work.

Start saying no to little things. It will help you build confidence once you see that your lack of participation in something will not cause the world to collapse. While you, as a mom, may beleive that the world around you can’t function without your intervention – well I’ll bet it can if you give it a try. Oh – it won’t be easy but it will be worth it!